Unrequited love...

“Once again it’s happening…”

There’s nothing more universal than unrequited love. It’s the inspiration behind songs, movies, and way too many tweets. I consider myself an expert on the subject. Yet, when it came time to write about it, I couldn’t think of the first thing to say. I’ll start where most experts begin: the definition. “Unrequited” is an adjective that simply means “not returned or reciprocated” and is used in reference to feelings or love. I say it’s a universal concept because almost 98% of people have experienced this at least once in their life. Fortunate are those who can say they’ve only experienced it once. Personally, this has been my life. Unrequited love might be my villain origin story.

It starts like this. I had a crush on someone. For argument’s sake, let’s call him Jake (I’m too lazy to think of anything else). Jake and I are cool. More than acquaintances, but I wouldn’t jump to call us friends. We’re cool. Time passes and suddenly Jake is different. A good different. Suddenly, his brown eyes held me for longer than usual. His ever present smile made my palms sweat. His kindness, which is extended to everyone around him, made me stumble over my words. It came out of nowhere and hit me harder than a bag of bricks: I liked Jake. A lot. The next logical step after this discovery is to confess. That’s what people tell you to do. Everyone says that you’ll never achieve the love you want if you don’t speak up for it. They’re partially right, “closed mouths don’t get fed” or however that saying goes. The issue with this advice is that people can say no. You could have all the love and admiration in your heart reserved for someone, with all the best intentions to love the shit out of them too, and they could say no. Rejection isn’t the worst response you can get. No one has died from it. But it’s bigger than rejection.

There are a lot reasons why someone like me would rather keep their feelings to themselves. First of which being, I’m not pretty. Now I’m not saying pretty people have never experienced unrequited love. What I am saying is that being pretty – or conventionally attractive – can help. Especially when you’re young, your attractiveness is your ticket into most romantic relationships. It’s really difficult to speak about your experiences with unrequited love online without being called a 2 – a colloquial way of calling you ugly – because people still believe that your love life is a representation of how hot you are.

Very primary school of us. Nevertheless, it’s how people think. When you’re young and impressionable, it’s how you end up thinking. The other reason is how we internalise rejection. You don’t stop to wonder why someone might not want to be with you. All you can think about is “what’s so wrong with me”. It’s not even about Jake anymore. It becomes about how all this love you’ve reflected onto this person isn’t how they see you. You see a tall, brown-eyed dream with a laugh that brings you joy. They see you as just a person. That stuff hurts. The other reason is you fear what will accompany that rejection. Some people start at saying “no” and then cushion you with affirmations like “Any guy would be lucky to have you” – to which I always want to scream “Okay so why won’t you!”. Some people might laugh in your face, which your brain interprets as “why on earth would I be with you”. You never know what you’re about to get. That’s why most nervous people reach around their confessions by suggesting it indirectly. We’ll say stuff like “Oh hey funny story: I used to have a massive crush on you” trying to get some kind of positive and reassuring reaction. A drop of hope that maybe your feelings will be reciprocated. For me, Jake hit me with an LOL and we never spoke about it again. Yeah. Brutal stuff. It’s been the theme of my life ever since. Now I’d rather keep my mouth shut and let the braver party say something.

It's been years since that happened, and my views have changed slightly. At my big age, I now understand that it’s unfair to expect people to reciprocate your feelings just because you feel strongly for them. You have to allow yourself to be open to that painful fact. I’ve also learned that a few closed doors doesn’t mean that love will always hide from you. There will be more Jakes in your life. Maybe, a few Janes. Whatever your preference. You just have to be patient. The most important lesson of all was realising that unrequited love says nothing about you. There are a hundred factors to romantic relationships. The chemistry could be missing, or it could turn out that you two have nothing in common. Sometimes there’s nothing to build on. It happens to the best of us. Knowing all of these things to be true doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to mourn what could have been. It still hurts. Feelings don’t always die down that quickly. It’s also okay to lose hope after one too many closed doors. It’s okay to lie on the ground and play Lykke Li’s Unrequited Love over and over. It’s okay. Rejection can be discouraging. Your feelings are valid. The best advice I can give to you is: the pain subsides. Rest your heart and try again. And again. And, yes, again.